March 22, 2006
Please genie, grant me 3 wishes
Lang wrote this today:
Dear Basketball Genie,
I have secretly been living behind the spring camping display in a Walmart store, daring only to come out at night long after the floor cleaners have punched out and the lights are switched off. Under the veil of the twilight, I move like a sloth through the footwear section, carefully and meticulously rubbing every basketball shoe in search of your services so that my team could one day join the upper echelon of elite basketball teams. In the event that I keel over and die of exhaustion before I chance upon you, please find this letter in my pocket and kindly grant me the following three wishes.
1. Remove the plastic from Chris Bosh’s hands.
Aside from being arguably the worst dribbler in competitive basketball, Bosh has a tendency to get stripped more than the Friday Night Feature at the Brass Rail. The final two minutes of every Raptors basketball game will unquestionably include either one sloppy turnover by Bosh’s weak floor skills or one preposterous 3-point shot by Mike James. Which brings me to my next wish.
2. Give Mike James his own basketball commercial.
Cause that’s obviously what’s running through his mind when he habitually eats a fresh 24 clock down to two seconds before launching the ball over open team mates. I heard when Mike James saw Tracy McGrady rising over a crowd on demon wings, he ripped off his jersey and demanded attention for his pecs. No one shows up Mike James. Watch out, Chuck Norris.
3. Shorten regulation benches by a meter.
Maybe that’ll finally give Alvin Williams a reason to just call it quits and save everyone the time and hassle. You’re a great kid, Alvin, but the Borg have asked me to remind you that resistance is futile. Retire and spend some of that hard-earned money on a yacht. Take Hoffa with you.
Sincerely,
Lang
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